perspective

Last week was probably the saddest week of my life so far. I’m not going to state what it was on this blog because 1. This blog is read by a lot of people who I know and 2. I don’t really want to tell people and be like ‘poor old me’. Funnily enough, it has nothing to do with my mental health really however it has made it worse.

I still feel pretty numb about it but there is times where it kicks in and I want to shout or cry, it’s at the most random of times.

Life is sucky at the moment but I know after all of it is concluded and has a plan to figure it out, I’ll be fine. But now, I just want my life back to normal, however, I know it will never be the normal that I felt only a few weeks ago.

It’s weird to think that only one or two things can be slightly changed that everything, literally everything has a different perceptive on it. Like, I’m not that stressed about exams at the moment because of the situation that I’m in.

I’ll tell you some of the things that my view has been changed on:

  • Relationships
  • Trust
  • Future

Deep right? I kinda want to just type it all out on this blog and be like ‘look at how much people fuck me up’ but it’s not fair on them.

I’m lucky to have my mum and Reece (and a few others) in my life because whenever I spend time with them, my life feels a little normal again.

It’s hard to remember how free I felt from the back of my mind 2 weeks ago and how happy, which I probably didn’t think as happy, I was then.

I’m finding it hard at school recently. I think it’s because I look at people around me, laughing and having a pretty alright life, wishing I was them. However, I know people are going/went through shitter times than me so I feel a bit guilty to complain. But I need to just type it out.

I can’t really concentrate on a lot of things like school and this blog but I know in a month or so, I’ll be coping enough to be able to concentrate fully. This shitty month or so is the only excuse I have for not blogging.

As well, I don’t know when I’m going to be fully alright again and writing daily so I’m sorry

Astrid xxx

 

 

 

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explained.

Hi, everyone! So I have to get up at 5AM to get to school to go to London for a Jack the Ripper trip thing at the National Archives. I’m not really looking forward to it because most of the people are going are annoying so it will mostly me and Lily rolling my eyes 24/7. I want to talk about my last blog post which was probably the most personal poem I’ve written and people might think I’m overreacting but people around me have recognised this as a problem.

Since I was around 11, after one of my friends died of cancer, I developed this thing where I had to do certain things to get rid of my thoughts and fears, this began as little stuff as turning the light switch 3 times before going to the loo, not stepping on cracks or clicking my fingers every few minutes; stuff like that. I could easily hide it as they were only little movements and I could make a rubbish excuse to do it. However, in my brain, I have this female voice (it might be me but it sounds more sophisticated) which would tell me if I didn’t do this certain thing something bad would happen (sometimes it would be specific or I would have a panic sense of fear which would be unexplained for expect I would have to do this certain action.)

I don’t know the cause to why this started to happen as I was a pretty happy child even though one of my friends died, I thought I was coping okay so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was me making myself be overdramatic and it would stop soon, although this is happening now to me.

Going from Primary school to Secondary school was overwhelming. Most of my friends went to another secondary school and would only see them one day a week. I found it especially hard about making new friends and having so many people there. I was from a small school with 200 pupils to a big school (with teenagers up to 18 years old and over 1000 pupils) that crowd the torrider. I didn’t really know how to make friends and I was quite a weird character (I’m still weird, but I mean I was weird weird). I knew an insight to life that many didn’t have which made me more sensitive than most which was good in some ways but others, not so because being mature than most separated me from the crowd. This might be a factor to why my pressuring thoughts got worse.

I got my first key which made my walk to school even longer as I walk up the street and back to double check the door incase a man comes in to rob the house and discovers my mother is in there having her breakfast and kills her. It’s pretty insane when I back to it because in this small town, it would never happen.

Around that time, I started getting a hallucination kinda thing where I would make myself believe I was a refugee from Syria but at the same time, I know I’m not from Syria or a refugee but my brain tells me I am… I dunno, it’s so confusing and sometimes I really really dislike myself for it because it’s so disrespectful. Luckily, I know that all of these hallucinations aren’t real but at the time these occur, they can be scary sometimes but I’ve learnt how to deal with it.

Last night, though, I began starting to wash my hands for ages because I had a fear of a deadly disease on my hands. I washed them for an hour and my hands were really red and raw from the hot water but it was more emotionally defeating than physically because it was one of the main symptoms for OCD and I have many now.

I’ve told my mum and a few of my friends about this. I will be going to the doctors in the summer holidays to sort this thing out but I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything yet so I don’t want to jump to conclusion.

I’m still in two minds about this because truthfully, I feel like a pussy and need to get a grip or that I’m overreacting. But in my other mind, I need to get help because this has been happening for ages and is gradually getting worse.

What I have can be completely unnoticed by people because the symptoms are not obvious and most of it is in the mind and the forced motions can look like normal behaviour however, it takes a huge part of my everyday life.

Thank you for all being here for me. The whole two years I’ve written on here, I’ve had so much support from all of you and I know most of you will understand. However, if you know me in real life or not, I would really appreciate if you’ve got negative thoughts about me and this thing so please keep it to yourself. Apart from that, have a lovely week and I will tell you my boring adventures to the national archives.

Astrid xxx

 

 

A cycle of surprise, happiness and sadness

Hi,everyone! How exciting is it that I’m going to be having 6 weeks off from school in less than 16 days?! I’M JUMPING UP IN THE AIR FOR IT! I’ve finally finished all of my exams today; my english speaking exam and business. Did you guys have to do an english speaking test for GCSE? We had to do a presentation on a topic which interests us so I did a presentation on Grenfell Tower:how there is a line between the privileged and the unprivileged. I was shitting bricks in 1st period when I realised that we had to present today but my very supportive classmates made me go and do it first. I shuttered a few times and said ‘flammable’ wrong. Although, I didn’t get any sniggers about my mispronunciation which was very surprising. My tip for these speaking exams is to just try to go first before everyone else because 1. people will respect you more as you’ve had the courage to do it and 2. you won’t have to worry about it and can forget about it afterwards and 3. the moment you start speaking, you become a lot less anxious.

As you probably saw in a blog post or two, I was convinced that I did crap on my maths tests. However, I got top of the class for both maths papers which I think my classmates and my teacher found surprising. AND I GOT 100% ON MY PSYCHOLOGY!! So all those hours I could have been doing blogging, I was working my arse off over Freud and it was actually worth it because I was literally crying inside (of extreme happiness) over my results.

Apart from all this good news, I got fired from my job….*clap, clap, clap*. And why? Because my parents made me take time off to go to the canal boat (which I’ve complained about in many posts). So it made me lose my job but to be honest, she wasn’t a very nice boss and she triggered most of my panic attacks this year so far so I think it was best I left  got fired.

So after one day of crying and storming around the house about the loss, I decided to look at volunteering experiences for my age. I found an opportunity to work with disabled kids and give them horse riding lessons. However, I don’t know how to horse ride well so I would be doing the teas and coffees or fundraising for it. I haven’t applied for the local group yet as I have to phone them and I keep forgetting to.

On Friday, our school is having a day where we work with the community where I’m going to a care home to do gardening with the elders which I’m really excited about, I might try and see if they will have further volunteering experiences during the summer?

My dad has given me a job within his office where he works as a film director/editor thingy and I had a 4 hour shift last weekend which earned me £20 which was better than the other cafe.

AND I GOT AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY FOR A PLAY CAFE. Yes!! I applied for another job for a children’s play cafe where I will be reading to kids, making cakes with them and so on. I don’t know if I’m going to get it or not but I’ll make sure to tell you 🙂

Anyways, so what are your plans for the summer? Are you going to be working? Travelling? Or just be watching netflix like me?

I’ll see you soon,

Astrid

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

bad traits.

Hi,everyone! Psychology has told me that I’m an unstable extrovert which basically means that I crave attention, that I’m aggressive but also excitable which changes often. And it’s so darn accurate.

You might disagree with that. On my blog, you might see me as this lovely advice-giving person with a few weird quirks which in aspects of my life is true but you don’t see the bad traits that come with the all the bootylicious package.Being on the internet, I also have to remind myself when reading your posts or watching tv that because we don’t know them or their bad traits so we can’t always give an accurate judgement. So, I want to be as me as you can get on this blog because I don’t want people meeting me and going ‘oh she isn’t that much of an angel’.

I’m very stubborn and when it comes to decisions or opinions, I like it to go my way. When it doesn’t, I don’t have a massive go at anyone or anything but it will take time for me to get used to the idea. I like things in a particular way and it’s hard for me to let people change that. I think there’s more causes to add to why I don’t like things to change but I’ll write that in another post when I learn a little more about it.

When I’m with my friends or a big social gathering, I’ll be the one who’s grooving or terribly singing and I would say I’m kinda fun to be around, I think (unless if you get me in a debate about abortion which I agree with btw). Although I like to have time with myself after a certain time because I get so tired and drained of excitement.  It can be very confusing for people around me because they think I’m annoyed with them, however, I just get really sad after loads of fun, it’s very weird.

Secretly, I’m a jealous person and I don’t say it. I get very envious of people which makes me very competitive to do better than them which is normally to do with exams. This is one of the few things which Elle and I clash about with as both of us like to do better than the other. However, funnily enough, I don’t get competitive with my blog because I feel like I don’t have to prove myself if that makes sense?

Don’t think I’m a monster though! There is a good traits about me, I’m not completely a bad person. However, there is always stuff which isn’t entirely good in people but you learn to love both. So don’t worry if you see the bad in your friends and partners, if you can see the good over the bad, then they are fine and not man eating zombies.

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

 

 

 

 

happier tunes//poem

prettier wings,

sharper chirps,

skinner stalks,

is what a bird should possess

 

the other birds fly away,

because you don’t listen to their

violation of that pigeon or sparrow

but you sing happier tunes,

you make up your own clue.

 

though you still cry,

though you still crave,

not a good-bye

because you still love

those memories of

flying above

with those,

prettier,

skinner,

sharper,

birds.

 

 

 

here comes the sun.

Hi,everyone! How are you guys doing? I’m really good and I’m so happy there is a bank holiday tomorrow for us British folk. Anyways, it doesn’t really matter to me anyway because tomorrow, I’m going to Malaga for a school trip and you’re going to be coming with me too, you lucky things. Yes, I’m going to be vlogging but I don’t know how much as I don’t how how much storage I have as I’m using my iphone but I’m deleting all my social media apps while I’m away so I can have as much storage as I can get.

However, you’ll see another familiar face there if you have watch my videos but you’ll also get to meet my other best chums which I’m really excited for.

Right, so I’m really disorganised. I haven’t even packed yet and I have so much studying to do but I just wanted to stay my final goodbyes before I get sunburnt to the skin (or just stay my freaky ass pale).

I’m pretty nervous about tomorrow. In some ways, it’s a good nervous but in other ways, it’s a like ah shit I don’t want to have a panic attack. Yeah, my anxiety is going to go off the roof tomorrow. Like, I’m going to miss Reece while I’m away which sounds really cheesy and that but it’s true and I know I’m going to feel a little homesick during the trip.

BUT THERE IS GOING TO BE TAPAS, ICECREAMS AND SUN.. THE BLOODY SUN.

I’M REALLY EXCITED BUT DYING INSIDE THE SAME TIME..

Got any tips for flying on an airplane with anxiety? I need some and I may even do a blog post about flying when I get back because I know so many people get nervous about it.

Anyways I’ll see you next week,

Hideaway Girl xxx

Dear Ballet Boy

Dear Ballet Boy,

You’re probably not going to see this but maybe, a very tiny possibility, you would bother to look at how my life is doing and so search this blog but that’s unlikely. You’ve moved on. You don’t really care about me anymore.

So where do I start? Let me start at the beginning.

In year 7, when I didn’t have any friends, you and Lily were the only companions I had. We were all slightly teased for different things. For you, you were taken the mickey out for your long hair and your love to dance. Yeah, you looked and sounded like a girl but you were my first friend that was a boy. You were a new and interesting thing for me to learn about. I think you thought of me as a project at the start as well.

You were the one to make me start looking after my appearance which got me friends and I needed that. You were the one for me to hug and talk to when I was panicked and upset. You were the one where I could be the weirdest around too.

In therapy, you were one of the four good things in my life that were listed. You were the one I talked about the most in the sessions. I don’t think you know how much you mean to me.

You could be a right truthful bitch sometimes. You could make me self conscious but that was really the only bad thing but in all the time I knew you, we never fell out. I don’t think I’ve ever had that with a person.

Whenever I think of summer, I think of you. We spent summers together where you danced in the green fields and I joined in but I wasn’t as half as good as you. There’s a video of us laughing and throwing strawberries together. It’s probably one of the happiest times I’ve ever been in.

I didn’t really know how good you were at dancing until you moved to a city to a famous dance school where you met talented people and quickly, forgot about me.

My birthday was one of the last events where we were all together as a group of friends. It’s where I had my first unromantic dry kiss with you and it was very forced by truth or dare and you dragging me down a muddy hill. I still hate you for that.  I know you will be gay when you’re older and I don’t think you’ve accepted that yet so my first kiss had no attached feelings to it. Just amusment.

You made me happy for a long time. You were my best friend. And god, I miss you.

Elle and I miss you. I get annoyed when people talk about you as they were your best friends and I don’t like to dwell on how much I miss you because we were both like that towards each other. However, this is a letter to get all things straight about our lost friendship.

I think the last time I saw you was in August and you’re only ten minutes away from me visiting family but in spare time, you rather be on your own than meet up with me.

So I need to move on. Maybe we will meet again but I think it’s come to an end.

Thank you for being a good best friend for 3 years and I miss you but I’m moving on.

Yours faithfully,

Hideaway Girl xxx

 

 

 

New job with a new horrible boss

Hi,everyone!  How has your weekend been? It’s the Easter holidays for me at the moment so that means two weeks off school, ay ay. Yesterday, I went job hunting because I needed a stable job and so off I went around my town. I was about to go into this chip shop but I heard of ghost stories there and I know they aren’t true but I would always be paranoid if I worked night hours. So next door, there is this vintage tea shop and I was like ‘Bingo! Literally me but in a tea shop form’ so I went in there and came out with a new job. They asked me to work today and so today, I got up and showered and went there.

It was chaos. I’ve had a waitressing job before but it was in a quiet area so there wasn’t too much work. However, this cafe is in a popular area for tourists and grannies so I was literally on my feet all the time. There was also another new girl but she has had no experience in cafes before so she seemed extra nervous. It didn’t help that the boss was a tad rude at the start and made the other new girl wash up and basically called her stupid. Anyway, she put me taking the orders and there was so many… like I think I took at least 20..

However, the boss is very picky and speaks her mind which isn’t the best thing when you’re in a crowded stressful place for the first time. I had one panic attack and it was awful. However, I kinda just ignored it and carried on. I just didn’t want the boss to see me like that as she would get even more annoyed and I can tell she isn’t a empathic type.

I can see the new girl and me becoming good friends as we just rolled our eyes when we were shouted at or giggled when we heard the old ladies bitching.

When I finished, I felt so proud of myself because 1. I didn’t drop anything 2. I didn’t swear loudly when I got an order wrong 3. I controlled my panic attack 4. I didn’t throw a saucer at the new boss.

It’s these times when I just seen how much I’ve grown up in just two years and how I’ve learnt to deal with my panic attacks better.

It’s good 🙂

Hideaway Girl xxx

Being a muggable face.

Hi,everyone! First things first, thank you for all of your emails recently about the group chat, I’m slowly adding people to the group. However, we don’t want too many people because it will get too hectic but we already have a group name which Sav excellently  named for us.

Have you seen the new update of Facebook? Where they’ve copied snapchat and now have stories? I mean…. come on Facebook, be original. I don’t need another place where my face is mugged and exploited by my friends on the internet.

In Spanish, today, my friend Keys just kept aiming her camera at me and taking photos of me but not even in a particular bad angle. It’s just that I look so bad whenever a camera hits me. My face just decides to give up with me and stay in these weird positions.

I think my face doesn’t know what to do or my brain can’t register for ages that a camera is pointing at me before it is taken.

This is the flattering photo that Keys took of me by the way if you were interested in how bad it was:

FullSizeRender

I mean it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even look like myself in these photos and some people call me the face of mugs. LIKE I’M THAT BAD.

My friends have increased their thirst for my mugable face to humor themselves so all day, there is a fear of snapchat in the back of my mind and I’m hiding myself behind barriers (e.g. Reece or my coat) but I always get caught. I’m not going to show you the rest and the worst because I want to carry on with my dignity on my blog.

But do you guys understand it? Like my face literally just looks bad captured in a moment? I mean I’m not that bad looking.

Hideaway Girl xxx

 

Let’s make a group chat 

Hi, everyone! A couple days ago I wrote a blog post about how I want to speak to more bloggers and interact with more readers. I’ve been writing this blog for 2 years now and I spoke to Elm and she said it would be a great idea! She suggested on creating a group chat or a Skype call with you guys. However we want about 5-10 people on the group chat as it may be hectic  if more so email me (hideawaygirlblog@gmail.com) or tweet me if your interested. Make sure to include Skype, email and a link to your blog so I can figure out who is who 

I’m so looking forward to this, 

Hideaway Girl xxx