explained.

Hi, everyone! So I have to get up at 5AM to get to school to go to London for a Jack the Ripper trip thing at the National Archives. I’m not really looking forward to it because most of the people are going are annoying so it will mostly me and Lily rolling my eyes 24/7. I want to talk about my last blog post which was probably the most personal poem I’ve written and people might think I’m overreacting but people around me have recognised this as a problem.

Since I was around 11, after one of my friends died of cancer, I developed this thing where I had to do certain things to get rid of my thoughts and fears, this began as little stuff as turning the light switch 3 times before going to the loo, not stepping on cracks or clicking my fingers every few minutes; stuff like that. I could easily hide it as they were only little movements and I could make a rubbish excuse to do it. However, in my brain, I have this female voice (it might be me but it sounds more sophisticated) which would tell me if I didn’t do this certain thing something bad would happen (sometimes it would be specific or I would have a panic sense of fear which would be unexplained for expect I would have to do this certain action.)

I don’t know the cause to why this started to happen as I was a pretty happy child even though one of my friends died, I thought I was coping okay so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was me making myself be overdramatic and it would stop soon, although this is happening now to me.

Going from Primary school to Secondary school was overwhelming. Most of my friends went to another secondary school and would only see them one day a week. I found it especially hard about making new friends and having so many people there. I was from a small school with 200 pupils to a big school (with teenagers up to 18 years old and over 1000 pupils) that crowd the torrider. I didn’t really know how to make friends and I was quite a weird character (I’m still weird, but I mean I was weird weird). I knew an insight to life that many didn’t have which made me more sensitive than most which was good in some ways but others, not so because being mature than most separated me from the crowd. This might be a factor to why my pressuring thoughts got worse.

I got my first key which made my walk to school even longer as I walk up the street and back to double check the door incase a man comes in to rob the house and discovers my mother is in there having her breakfast and kills her. It’s pretty insane when I back to it because in this small town, it would never happen.

Around that time, I started getting a hallucination kinda thing where I would make myself believe I was a refugee from Syria but at the same time, I know I’m not from Syria or a refugee but my brain tells me I am… I dunno, it’s so confusing and sometimes I really really dislike myself for it because it’s so disrespectful. Luckily, I know that all of these hallucinations aren’t real but at the time these occur, they can be scary sometimes but I’ve learnt how to deal with it.

Last night, though, I began starting to wash my hands for ages because I had a fear of a deadly disease on my hands. I washed them for an hour and my hands were really red and raw from the hot water but it was more emotionally defeating than physically because it was one of the main symptoms for OCD and I have many now.

I’ve told my mum and a few of my friends about this. I will be going to the doctors in the summer holidays to sort this thing out but I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything yet so I don’t want to jump to conclusion.

I’m still in two minds about this because truthfully, I feel like a pussy and need to get a grip or that I’m overreacting. But in my other mind, I need to get help because this has been happening for ages and is gradually getting worse.

What I have can be completely unnoticed by people because the symptoms are not obvious and most of it is in the mind and the forced motions can look like normal behaviour however, it takes a huge part of my everyday life.

Thank you for all being here for me. The whole two years I’ve written on here, I’ve had so much support from all of you and I know most of you will understand. However, if you know me in real life or not, I would really appreciate if you’ve got negative thoughts about me and this thing so please keep it to yourself. Apart from that, have a lovely week and I will tell you my boring adventures to the national archives.

Astrid xxx