seven videos to procrastinate with

my brain is dead this past week and I can’t think of any creative post outcomes so I decided to show you what I watch when I’m procrastinating  for hours.

  1. how to be a disney princess things

2. people stereotyping each other

3. people telling their parents how they lost their virginity (which I found strangely funny)

4. polygamy documentaries, weirdly interesting.

5. watching youtube couples marry and divorce on youtube.

6. Theresa May (pointless politics and videos)

 

Have fun kiddos,

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

explained.

Hi, everyone! So I have to get up at 5AM to get to school to go to London for a Jack the Ripper trip thing at the National Archives. I’m not really looking forward to it because most of the people are going are annoying so it will mostly me and Lily rolling my eyes 24/7. I want to talk about my last blog post which was probably the most personal poem I’ve written and people might think I’m overreacting but people around me have recognised this as a problem.

Since I was around 11, after one of my friends died of cancer, I developed this thing where I had to do certain things to get rid of my thoughts and fears, this began as little stuff as turning the light switch 3 times before going to the loo, not stepping on cracks or clicking my fingers every few minutes; stuff like that. I could easily hide it as they were only little movements and I could make a rubbish excuse to do it. However, in my brain, I have this female voice (it might be me but it sounds more sophisticated) which would tell me if I didn’t do this certain thing something bad would happen (sometimes it would be specific or I would have a panic sense of fear which would be unexplained for expect I would have to do this certain action.)

I don’t know the cause to why this started to happen as I was a pretty happy child even though one of my friends died, I thought I was coping okay so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was me making myself be overdramatic and it would stop soon, although this is happening now to me.

Going from Primary school to Secondary school was overwhelming. Most of my friends went to another secondary school and would only see them one day a week. I found it especially hard about making new friends and having so many people there. I was from a small school with 200 pupils to a big school (with teenagers up to 18 years old and over 1000 pupils) that crowd the torrider. I didn’t really know how to make friends and I was quite a weird character (I’m still weird, but I mean I was weird weird). I knew an insight to life that many didn’t have which made me more sensitive than most which was good in some ways but others, not so because being mature than most separated me from the crowd. This might be a factor to why my pressuring thoughts got worse.

I got my first key which made my walk to school even longer as I walk up the street and back to double check the door incase a man comes in to rob the house and discovers my mother is in there having her breakfast and kills her. It’s pretty insane when I back to it because in this small town, it would never happen.

Around that time, I started getting a hallucination kinda thing where I would make myself believe I was a refugee from Syria but at the same time, I know I’m not from Syria or a refugee but my brain tells me I am… I dunno, it’s so confusing and sometimes I really really dislike myself for it because it’s so disrespectful. Luckily, I know that all of these hallucinations aren’t real but at the time these occur, they can be scary sometimes but I’ve learnt how to deal with it.

Last night, though, I began starting to wash my hands for ages because I had a fear of a deadly disease on my hands. I washed them for an hour and my hands were really red and raw from the hot water but it was more emotionally defeating than physically because it was one of the main symptoms for OCD and I have many now.

I’ve told my mum and a few of my friends about this. I will be going to the doctors in the summer holidays to sort this thing out but I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything yet so I don’t want to jump to conclusion.

I’m still in two minds about this because truthfully, I feel like a pussy and need to get a grip or that I’m overreacting. But in my other mind, I need to get help because this has been happening for ages and is gradually getting worse.

What I have can be completely unnoticed by people because the symptoms are not obvious and most of it is in the mind and the forced motions can look like normal behaviour however, it takes a huge part of my everyday life.

Thank you for all being here for me. The whole two years I’ve written on here, I’ve had so much support from all of you and I know most of you will understand. However, if you know me in real life or not, I would really appreciate if you’ve got negative thoughts about me and this thing so please keep it to yourself. Apart from that, have a lovely week and I will tell you my boring adventures to the national archives.

Astrid xxx

 

 

continuing/poem

This is probably the most personal and real poem that I’ve ever written. As it says, I can’t explain this thing that I’ve had for years. It has a name but I don’t feel inclined to carry it around so few know and I prefer it to be like that, however, from experiences happening now with friends and myself, I feel like it’s time to write this to show that they are not alone.

Scratch.

Shave.

Lock.

Click.

Be like a toothpick,

blinding gorgeous blood from your thumb.

It’s what the you in your dumb

unforgiving, forgetting mind screams.

 

Do it. Something will happen .

Death in your family,

Illness like once,

Bombs overhead,

Scary preying monsters

This could happen

if you don’t double check your front door.

 

Widows peak, get rid

No one will love you if it dominates

your sunlight freckles that smiles daily

hiding this voice. This scary voice

Switch the light three times before the loo,

incase a thief thinks a house is free to loom.

 

Nobody fully understands.

‘Don’t listen, nothing bad will happen’

This voice won’t be silent with other.

All in my mind is ‘click it,

Stratch it until bloodly flesh,

Keep pen there,

Don’t queue in busy times

Incase a man explodes

Just like old times’

 

This is uncomplete,

the story is continuing,

I can’t explain it right now

so let me tell you in good time.

 

Astrid x

 

 

 

 

 

old people

Hi everyone! So first things first, how was your weekend? Mine was packed with clumsiness and eating loads of junk but you know, I’ll try and fail at being healthy another time. Last Friday, as a year group, we were asked to volunteer which mostly everyone complained about and even one said it was slavery (think that’s slightly over the top). The options were: picking rubbish up at a beach which would take miles of walking, working at a boring museum of a small town nearby where incest is popular in the local history or hanging out  with the elders. So I picked the care home which seemed like the best choice at the time.

I got to have a massive lie in as we had to get to the care home by ten, however we also had to pick up Reece as he can’t walk due to his leg at the moment. To be fair though, Reece could have hopped faster there as my dad wouldn’t move away from work calls until I dragged him out of the house. After picking up Reece, my father and Reece had a weird bonding moment when they found out they’ve known each other for nearly a year which made me feel like a huge third wheel (which occurs often when in the car with them).

When we got there, I realised that I didn’t really know anyone apart from Emily and Reece. Although, most people were kinda friendly apart from this group of boys who I was surprised I didn’t find them smoking weed in the disabled toilets. The teachers who were with us were two of my past teachers, one a music/pretend psychology teacher and a science teacher who didn’t remember who I was. After waiting for about 5 minutes for the ‘hard’ people who had better time to waste, we were to go into this little room which had a lot of children books and really comfy seats but I was scared to sit on them, thinking about how many old people have farted on it. The small meeting which was led by this red haired middle aged career was really quiet as we were pretty nervous about hanging with other human beings. I think the only time I heard someone talk was Reece reacting to being bullied by the science teacher about his leg and me (and Emily) rolling our eyes.

Our first thing to do on the timetable was to garden their memorial area for residents that have died. It was actually pretty fun flinging the water hose around and putting pretty red flowers in the soil which I have never really done before. However, everyone and even the elders were kinda bored which was shown by how everyone was staring at me watering the fountain like it was Saturday tv entertainment.

For lunch, we were to eat with the elders. However, my group only did it and we were stuck with this old lady who kept choking and sleeping (which at the time, thought had deceased). On the menu, was noddles or fish and chips so I went for chips as the fish looked not cooked well and the noodles didn’t look like noodles.During eating, Reece decided to say ‘This conversation is a little dead’ after the woman closed her eyes and ignored us. Thankfully, she seemed like she didn’t hear or I would have been so so embarrassed.

However, I began to realise why a care home can be depressing for people. This is the last place you are ever going to be and maybe even die here. You’re getting the last of your life where you may never see your grandkids again or your friends. You’re surrounded with people who are going through the same as you and they all know it. People, like me, coming here to volunteer and pretending like we know what it is like and then skip to the stereotype of old people being grumpy when in fact, they are stuck here in this lonely place. They were young once, they fell in love and a lot have lost the ones who meant the most to them. So, on that trip, I learnt a lot. However, I’ll never fully know until I’m in that position of being close to death and having so much life experience.

So next time you see your relatives in a care home, remember that they are probably going through a hard time and to make the most of the time what you have with them which I wished I did with my great grandma when she was alive rather than being scared of her because she was old and needed help.

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

A cycle of surprise, happiness and sadness

Hi,everyone! How exciting is it that I’m going to be having 6 weeks off from school in less than 16 days?! I’M JUMPING UP IN THE AIR FOR IT! I’ve finally finished all of my exams today; my english speaking exam and business. Did you guys have to do an english speaking test for GCSE? We had to do a presentation on a topic which interests us so I did a presentation on Grenfell Tower:how there is a line between the privileged and the unprivileged. I was shitting bricks in 1st period when I realised that we had to present today but my very supportive classmates made me go and do it first. I shuttered a few times and said ‘flammable’ wrong. Although, I didn’t get any sniggers about my mispronunciation which was very surprising. My tip for these speaking exams is to just try to go first before everyone else because 1. people will respect you more as you’ve had the courage to do it and 2. you won’t have to worry about it and can forget about it afterwards and 3. the moment you start speaking, you become a lot less anxious.

As you probably saw in a blog post or two, I was convinced that I did crap on my maths tests. However, I got top of the class for both maths papers which I think my classmates and my teacher found surprising. AND I GOT 100% ON MY PSYCHOLOGY!! So all those hours I could have been doing blogging, I was working my arse off over Freud and it was actually worth it because I was literally crying inside (of extreme happiness) over my results.

Apart from all this good news, I got fired from my job….*clap, clap, clap*. And why? Because my parents made me take time off to go to the canal boat (which I’ve complained about in many posts). So it made me lose my job but to be honest, she wasn’t a very nice boss and she triggered most of my panic attacks this year so far so I think it was best I left  got fired.

So after one day of crying and storming around the house about the loss, I decided to look at volunteering experiences for my age. I found an opportunity to work with disabled kids and give them horse riding lessons. However, I don’t know how to horse ride well so I would be doing the teas and coffees or fundraising for it. I haven’t applied for the local group yet as I have to phone them and I keep forgetting to.

On Friday, our school is having a day where we work with the community where I’m going to a care home to do gardening with the elders which I’m really excited about, I might try and see if they will have further volunteering experiences during the summer?

My dad has given me a job within his office where he works as a film director/editor thingy and I had a 4 hour shift last weekend which earned me £20 which was better than the other cafe.

AND I GOT AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY FOR A PLAY CAFE. Yes!! I applied for another job for a children’s play cafe where I will be reading to kids, making cakes with them and so on. I don’t know if I’m going to get it or not but I’ll make sure to tell you 🙂

Anyways, so what are your plans for the summer? Are you going to be working? Travelling? Or just be watching netflix like me?

I’ll see you soon,

Astrid

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

hairy girls.

Hi,everyone! UK weather is actually being very forgiving recently and given us the sun so we can finally not look like uncooked eggs (well, I still do). However, that means it’s dresses, shorts or going to the inch of nearly being naked (as I have seen, not a lovely sight to see when they are over the age of 50) this time of the year. Now, this time of the year I’m having to get over the stigma about shaving my fur coat that I’ve been growing since October and actually shave because otherwise, I’ll feel a bit too sweaty for my liking. And I’m a very hairy girl.. and if you don’t like too much information about these things then I would skip this post of mine or if you have the same problems (or you’re 12 and you’re weirdly interested in growing body hair) then jump right in.

I’ve been growing dark leg hair since I was 8 which I was extremely embarrassed of it and I would get lots of nasty comments off my classmates about it but the moment I reached Year 6 I realised the power of razors and after school, I would use my dad’s razor to shave my legs which ended up with more cuts than hair coming off.

Then when I reached big scary secondary school, it was all about my monobrow which I didn’t have pluckers for and so, I use to pluck the hairs out with my fingers which not surprisingly, would do a rubbish job and was really painful for my fingers. However, my eyebrows are still really thick but they are separated into twos which I prefer.

I’m a pretty hairy girl but I know a lot of people who get it everywhere including their boobs which is completely natural and shouldn’t be made ashamed of which society has. Like,most girls get nipple hair and it’s perfectly normal but the media have turned us into hairless girls and if I asked now boys in my class if girls get hairs on their nipples, I bet most of them would say no.

Whenever I look back, I can’t believe how I thought my body hair was the worst thing that I will ever go through and that people won’t like me if I didn’t get rid of it which is really pathetic as I know loads of people who grow out their body hair and it doesn’t make a difference to them as a person.

I wish I could tell my 12 year old self this because her body image at that point was really putting her self confidence down.

Do you think it would be a interesting idea for me not to go near shaving stuff for a few weeks to experiment what it’s like and blog about it? Let me know in the comments below 🙂

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

 

I’m back with exciting things!!

Hi,everyone! Most of my exams are finally over and so I’m finally free from learning top to bottom of Lord of Flies and the romantics of poetry (give me one theme and I’ll be able to snap back quotes like hot potato). This stress that I’ve enduring during this week has been massive but also, it made me freak about how freaked out I’m going to be during my actual GCSEs….hahahaha I’m screwed.

I’m still sorting out a few projects for my blog during the summer and one of those projects will be getting you guys involved with it too which I’m incredibly excited about 🙂

This blog itself has been discovered and talked about at school a little bit which I’ve had  few taking- the-piss comments but I’m going to still continue to write on this blog how I always have done because my 2 years and half work isn’t going to go to trash because of a few comments from people.

School isn’t going that well at the moment. People have been spreading stuff about me which isn’t their business and it feels like a huge invasion of privacy.However, these people aren’t going to stop me from writing on here and connecting with you guys on this site.

Anyways, guess what?

I went swimming in a swimsuit…yup, I finally gotten out of my little shell of self-consciousness and decided to not give a shit. The moment I got into the sea, I was pushed in by one of my friends. Reece and co. thought it would be funny to take advantage of my vulnerable state and recreate scenes from Jaws and grab me by the ankles which ended up with me having to swim away from them.  It was a very fun day 🙂

How has your week been? Or how did your exams go? Please tell me as I need a serious catch up with you guys 🙂

My secret project will be announced very soon and I can’t wait for you guys to get involved 🙂

See you tomorrow,

Astrid xxx

aka Hideaway Girl xxx

not shocked.

Yesterday, I was both shocked by the events of Manchester. No sorry, not shock but disappointment, sadness and well, to be honest, I wasn’t surprised there was another terrorist attack. However, I was shocked that it was in that place and with a generation of young people and loved ones who were all part of this community.

Maybe people will use this attack to campaign prejudice and discrimination towards many people: muslims, immigrants and refugees. However, I’ve heard this man was born in Britain but it doesn’t matter where he was born. It doesn’t matter who he was, who we remember is the victims of yesterday, the past, today and the future. This happens everyday and we aren’t all notified of it because it’s in another place in the world or victims of different ethnics, beliefs and religions. However, influential people are notified and they don’t really do anything about it.

Did you know that more than 200 people, mostly women and children, were killed by an airstrike in Mosul by the US just last month? Don’t forget, there’s probably been many more since then and before. Innocent killings are happening all around the world.

However, we are a new generation. We could change this if we tried. Of course, terrorism of different kinds will always exist but we can make this world a little better.

 

 

 

 

 

Getting political on this blog

Hi,everyone! I’m multi tasking at the moment, phoning Viper, listening to a English revision podcast and messaging Reece (Carlos). Viper is reading my blog right now and when he reads it out loud, it sounds so bad, is my blog childish? Oh dear lord.

During the summer, I’m making a debate group with Viper as we decided to change the setting of our arguments from the classroom where we would shout across the classroom to a more civilized manner.

But also, I was wondering if to make another page on my blog to write about my views on situations in the news or in history? I really enjoy reading blogs where they talk about current events, such as sherinaspeaks. I can’t really start my another page at the moment as I have end of year exams but I will be able to do in July. What do you think?

Astrid, aka Hideaway Girl xxx

 

Malaga traveller

Hi,everyone! I’m back, whoop whoop 🙂 It’s been so long, 2 weeks? As you probably know, from this title and also Reece’s guest blog post, that I have been away to Malaga for a 5 days with school. It was so good! I was really nervous about going and having to speak Spanish but I really developed my spanish  speaking and also, my confidence because I don’t think I would have dared to go up to a angry looking Spanish meat seller to ask how much a weird looking leg would cost, so I’m pretty happy with myself.

Here’s my vlog which is longer than usual but it’s got three days in it so really, it isn’t too bad. Although, I didn’t film the last day (Friday) as I felt very down and panicky and also we were going home.

We went to a Spanish high school on the Friday where we got to speak to the students there who were all so lovely. Although, our conservations were a bit confusing, we still found a way to communicate and make each other laugh. After that, we got their instagrams and so we are still keeping in contact in that way.

I miss them, they were all so lovely 😦

Anyways, I’m going to Centre Parks today with my family and so I won’t be able to post/read anything but I will make sure to write you a few posts when I get back.

I have been so busssssyy,

Hideaway Girl xxx