perspective

Last week was probably the saddest week of my life so far. I’m not going to state what it was on this blog because 1. This blog is read by a lot of people who I know and 2. I don’t really want to tell people and be like ‘poor old me’. Funnily enough, it has nothing to do with my mental health really however it has made it worse.

I still feel pretty numb about it but there is times where it kicks in and I want to shout or cry, it’s at the most random of times.

Life is sucky at the moment but I know after all of it is concluded and has a plan to figure it out, I’ll be fine. But now, I just want my life back to normal, however, I know it will never be the normal that I felt only a few weeks ago.

It’s weird to think that only one or two things can be slightly changed that everything, literally everything has a different perceptive on it. Like, I’m not that stressed about exams at the moment because of the situation that I’m in.

I’ll tell you some of the things that my view has been changed on:

  • Relationships
  • Trust
  • Future

Deep right? I kinda want to just type it all out on this blog and be like ‘look at how much people fuck me up’ but it’s not fair on them.

I’m lucky to have my mum and Reece (and a few others) in my life because whenever I spend time with them, my life feels a little normal again.

It’s hard to remember how free I felt from the back of my mind 2 weeks ago and how happy, which I probably didn’t think as happy, I was then.

I’m finding it hard at school recently. I think it’s because I look at people around me, laughing and having a pretty alright life, wishing I was them. However, I know people are going/went through shitter times than me so I feel a bit guilty to complain. But I need to just type it out.

I can’t really concentrate on a lot of things like school and this blog but I know in a month or so, I’ll be coping enough to be able to concentrate fully. This shitty month or so is the only excuse I have for not blogging.

As well, I don’t know when I’m going to be fully alright again and writing daily so I’m sorry

Astrid xxx

 

 

 

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keep them, please.

Dear readers, let me give you a piece of advice.

Your friends can be the most important people in your life and never let them go. It’s a mistake I have made so many countless times in my life and this summer all of it has come back and smacked it in my face.

Some friends just somehow went farther apart slowly but still are friends, just not as close. Some friends broke off with a bang and haven’t reappeared again. Some friends got new friends or replaced you with someone they love; sometimes quick, sometimes slow but a sure process.

Maybe I did the last one to one or two people but I never wanted to not see them, I was just busy but I always had time for those certain friends but even they have moved on with different friends and their boyfriends.

I see adults saying about how you lose friends and it can be worse than a breakup (I never believed that), I understand that because with boy/girlfriends, you know when you aren’t a thing anymore but with friends, you only have to wait or see to find out the truth that most don’t want to have. Friends can be so much more important than your significant other, they are your other half.

I’m lonely. I really am and I’m scared about going to school because it’s going to fell 100x worse because you’ll see them with new friends and fuck, it hurts so bad. I have friends but this consists of a boyfriend and boy friends but I don’t have that girl best friend anymore… she might think we are but it’s so plain obvious to everyone else that we are no more. We aren’t. Best friends are the ones who you can tell everything to, who you never get bored of seeing, who you just look at you and you know what they are thinking and that comfortable silence. We don’t have that anymore.

Getting immensely jealous of people with those friends is growing and growing by the day, they just don’t know how lucky they/you are. You’re so lucky and I hope you know that.

Keep your best friend no matter what. Yes delete the ones who make you feel shit but keep the ones who you bloody love.

Astrid x

aka Hideaway Girl xxx

 

 

i’m still stuck lol, however it’s SUMMER

Hi everyone! I’m sorry that I haven’t posted on here in ages but these past few months has/is the time where my brain is blank or running with these horrible things called emotions but I haven’t been able to type it because…I just couldn’t explain my brain right now in words and also (which I also know myself is silly to think) is that I don’t want to be depressing on this blog. I want you guys to laugh and lamely think ‘omg she’s literally goals and sooooooo rellllatttable’. I’m not relatable, please don’t ever call me that again. I still have this knocking in my mind that makes me paranoid but I’m going to seek help soon- maybe. However, I sometimes tell myself I don’t need that professional help; that I’m overreacting.I dunno if that’s just being stupid but I need to figure it out myself, you know?

Although there are other excuses why I’ve fallen off the blogging world, I have been away on the sucky canal boat without any good service and working ,and just spending my days with the few real friends that I have at the moment.

However, I have made myself proud moments during this summer and I think I have stepped out of my comfort zone. It’s surprising how powerful the spur of the moment is because you don’t think and just say yes without even thinking.

First thing first on this (short) list, is that I have decided to fuck it and go on rides which consist of height (of like 20 metres) and dizziness. Yes, they were designed for people as young as 10 but I’m greatly proud of my little victory and I actually felt pretty confident afterwards, not during though. I went on a ride called Miami Dance which basically goes up and down but fast.. very fast. Fellow people on the ride and the spectators down below were laughing at my screaming and well, at me looking paler than usual which is something. It was interesting for some but a chance (which I did not take, just to point out) to pee myself.

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The next thing is I did a adventure thing called go ape which is climbing trees and well, I did very well on it even though I was shaking the whole time but I had to look after my mum the whole time as she decided to become a tree hugger rather than being a supervisor to me.

I also saw a horror film today, the weird scary doll one called Annabelle which was ehhhh… so so so so so scary. I hated it and I literally just hid behind my legs the whole entire time in the cinema.

I feel like that’s the only interesting things that is happening in my life at the moment as I haven’t spent that much time with my friends because most of them are busy in their lives of boyfriends or jobs. So I’m just chilling and failing to revise.

Also did I mention that I’m going into Year 11? HAHAHAHA I’M REALLY NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.

During my time away from here, I have been thinking about this blog and I was thinking about new ideas for it but I’m not going to make any promises but I want to be more true on here because I shouldn’t hide and pretend that I’m okay because I’m not and I have no idea why.

But we just have to keep going and breathe because it’s meant to get better and I still have hope.

Astrid xxx

aka. hideaway girl

 

explained.

Hi, everyone! So I have to get up at 5AM to get to school to go to London for a Jack the Ripper trip thing at the National Archives. I’m not really looking forward to it because most of the people are going are annoying so it will mostly me and Lily rolling my eyes 24/7. I want to talk about my last blog post which was probably the most personal poem I’ve written and people might think I’m overreacting but people around me have recognised this as a problem.

Since I was around 11, after one of my friends died of cancer, I developed this thing where I had to do certain things to get rid of my thoughts and fears, this began as little stuff as turning the light switch 3 times before going to the loo, not stepping on cracks or clicking my fingers every few minutes; stuff like that. I could easily hide it as they were only little movements and I could make a rubbish excuse to do it. However, in my brain, I have this female voice (it might be me but it sounds more sophisticated) which would tell me if I didn’t do this certain thing something bad would happen (sometimes it would be specific or I would have a panic sense of fear which would be unexplained for expect I would have to do this certain action.)

I don’t know the cause to why this started to happen as I was a pretty happy child even though one of my friends died, I thought I was coping okay so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was me making myself be overdramatic and it would stop soon, although this is happening now to me.

Going from Primary school to Secondary school was overwhelming. Most of my friends went to another secondary school and would only see them one day a week. I found it especially hard about making new friends and having so many people there. I was from a small school with 200 pupils to a big school (with teenagers up to 18 years old and over 1000 pupils) that crowd the torrider. I didn’t really know how to make friends and I was quite a weird character (I’m still weird, but I mean I was weird weird). I knew an insight to life that many didn’t have which made me more sensitive than most which was good in some ways but others, not so because being mature than most separated me from the crowd. This might be a factor to why my pressuring thoughts got worse.

I got my first key which made my walk to school even longer as I walk up the street and back to double check the door incase a man comes in to rob the house and discovers my mother is in there having her breakfast and kills her. It’s pretty insane when I back to it because in this small town, it would never happen.

Around that time, I started getting a hallucination kinda thing where I would make myself believe I was a refugee from Syria but at the same time, I know I’m not from Syria or a refugee but my brain tells me I am… I dunno, it’s so confusing and sometimes I really really dislike myself for it because it’s so disrespectful. Luckily, I know that all of these hallucinations aren’t real but at the time these occur, they can be scary sometimes but I’ve learnt how to deal with it.

Last night, though, I began starting to wash my hands for ages because I had a fear of a deadly disease on my hands. I washed them for an hour and my hands were really red and raw from the hot water but it was more emotionally defeating than physically because it was one of the main symptoms for OCD and I have many now.

I’ve told my mum and a few of my friends about this. I will be going to the doctors in the summer holidays to sort this thing out but I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything yet so I don’t want to jump to conclusion.

I’m still in two minds about this because truthfully, I feel like a pussy and need to get a grip or that I’m overreacting. But in my other mind, I need to get help because this has been happening for ages and is gradually getting worse.

What I have can be completely unnoticed by people because the symptoms are not obvious and most of it is in the mind and the forced motions can look like normal behaviour however, it takes a huge part of my everyday life.

Thank you for all being here for me. The whole two years I’ve written on here, I’ve had so much support from all of you and I know most of you will understand. However, if you know me in real life or not, I would really appreciate if you’ve got negative thoughts about me and this thing so please keep it to yourself. Apart from that, have a lovely week and I will tell you my boring adventures to the national archives.

Astrid xxx

 

 

continuing/poem

This is probably the most personal and real poem that I’ve ever written. As it says, I can’t explain this thing that I’ve had for years. It has a name but I don’t feel inclined to carry it around so few know and I prefer it to be like that, however, from experiences happening now with friends and myself, I feel like it’s time to write this to show that they are not alone.

Scratch.

Shave.

Lock.

Click.

Be like a toothpick,

blinding gorgeous blood from your thumb.

It’s what the you in your dumb

unforgiving, forgetting mind screams.

 

Do it. Something will happen .

Death in your family,

Illness like once,

Bombs overhead,

Scary preying monsters

This could happen

if you don’t double check your front door.

 

Widows peak, get rid

No one will love you if it dominates

your sunlight freckles that smiles daily

hiding this voice. This scary voice

Switch the light three times before the loo,

incase a thief thinks a house is free to loom.

 

Nobody fully understands.

‘Don’t listen, nothing bad will happen’

This voice won’t be silent with other.

All in my mind is ‘click it,

Stratch it until bloodly flesh,

Keep pen there,

Don’t queue in busy times

Incase a man explodes

Just like old times’

 

This is uncomplete,

the story is continuing,

I can’t explain it right now

so let me tell you in good time.

 

Astrid x

 

 

 

 

 

old people

Hi everyone! So first things first, how was your weekend? Mine was packed with clumsiness and eating loads of junk but you know, I’ll try and fail at being healthy another time. Last Friday, as a year group, we were asked to volunteer which mostly everyone complained about and even one said it was slavery (think that’s slightly over the top). The options were: picking rubbish up at a beach which would take miles of walking, working at a boring museum of a small town nearby where incest is popular in the local history or hanging out  with the elders. So I picked the care home which seemed like the best choice at the time.

I got to have a massive lie in as we had to get to the care home by ten, however we also had to pick up Reece as he can’t walk due to his leg at the moment. To be fair though, Reece could have hopped faster there as my dad wouldn’t move away from work calls until I dragged him out of the house. After picking up Reece, my father and Reece had a weird bonding moment when they found out they’ve known each other for nearly a year which made me feel like a huge third wheel (which occurs often when in the car with them).

When we got there, I realised that I didn’t really know anyone apart from Emily and Reece. Although, most people were kinda friendly apart from this group of boys who I was surprised I didn’t find them smoking weed in the disabled toilets. The teachers who were with us were two of my past teachers, one a music/pretend psychology teacher and a science teacher who didn’t remember who I was. After waiting for about 5 minutes for the ‘hard’ people who had better time to waste, we were to go into this little room which had a lot of children books and really comfy seats but I was scared to sit on them, thinking about how many old people have farted on it. The small meeting which was led by this red haired middle aged career was really quiet as we were pretty nervous about hanging with other human beings. I think the only time I heard someone talk was Reece reacting to being bullied by the science teacher about his leg and me (and Emily) rolling our eyes.

Our first thing to do on the timetable was to garden their memorial area for residents that have died. It was actually pretty fun flinging the water hose around and putting pretty red flowers in the soil which I have never really done before. However, everyone and even the elders were kinda bored which was shown by how everyone was staring at me watering the fountain like it was Saturday tv entertainment.

For lunch, we were to eat with the elders. However, my group only did it and we were stuck with this old lady who kept choking and sleeping (which at the time, thought had deceased). On the menu, was noddles or fish and chips so I went for chips as the fish looked not cooked well and the noodles didn’t look like noodles.During eating, Reece decided to say ‘This conversation is a little dead’ after the woman closed her eyes and ignored us. Thankfully, she seemed like she didn’t hear or I would have been so so embarrassed.

However, I began to realise why a care home can be depressing for people. This is the last place you are ever going to be and maybe even die here. You’re getting the last of your life where you may never see your grandkids again or your friends. You’re surrounded with people who are going through the same as you and they all know it. People, like me, coming here to volunteer and pretending like we know what it is like and then skip to the stereotype of old people being grumpy when in fact, they are stuck here in this lonely place. They were young once, they fell in love and a lot have lost the ones who meant the most to them. So, on that trip, I learnt a lot. However, I’ll never fully know until I’m in that position of being close to death and having so much life experience.

So next time you see your relatives in a care home, remember that they are probably going through a hard time and to make the most of the time what you have with them which I wished I did with my great grandma when she was alive rather than being scared of her because she was old and needed help.

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

A cycle of surprise, happiness and sadness

Hi,everyone! How exciting is it that I’m going to be having 6 weeks off from school in less than 16 days?! I’M JUMPING UP IN THE AIR FOR IT! I’ve finally finished all of my exams today; my english speaking exam and business. Did you guys have to do an english speaking test for GCSE? We had to do a presentation on a topic which interests us so I did a presentation on Grenfell Tower:how there is a line between the privileged and the unprivileged. I was shitting bricks in 1st period when I realised that we had to present today but my very supportive classmates made me go and do it first. I shuttered a few times and said ‘flammable’ wrong. Although, I didn’t get any sniggers about my mispronunciation which was very surprising. My tip for these speaking exams is to just try to go first before everyone else because 1. people will respect you more as you’ve had the courage to do it and 2. you won’t have to worry about it and can forget about it afterwards and 3. the moment you start speaking, you become a lot less anxious.

As you probably saw in a blog post or two, I was convinced that I did crap on my maths tests. However, I got top of the class for both maths papers which I think my classmates and my teacher found surprising. AND I GOT 100% ON MY PSYCHOLOGY!! So all those hours I could have been doing blogging, I was working my arse off over Freud and it was actually worth it because I was literally crying inside (of extreme happiness) over my results.

Apart from all this good news, I got fired from my job….*clap, clap, clap*. And why? Because my parents made me take time off to go to the canal boat (which I’ve complained about in many posts). So it made me lose my job but to be honest, she wasn’t a very nice boss and she triggered most of my panic attacks this year so far so I think it was best I left  got fired.

So after one day of crying and storming around the house about the loss, I decided to look at volunteering experiences for my age. I found an opportunity to work with disabled kids and give them horse riding lessons. However, I don’t know how to horse ride well so I would be doing the teas and coffees or fundraising for it. I haven’t applied for the local group yet as I have to phone them and I keep forgetting to.

On Friday, our school is having a day where we work with the community where I’m going to a care home to do gardening with the elders which I’m really excited about, I might try and see if they will have further volunteering experiences during the summer?

My dad has given me a job within his office where he works as a film director/editor thingy and I had a 4 hour shift last weekend which earned me £20 which was better than the other cafe.

AND I GOT AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY FOR A PLAY CAFE. Yes!! I applied for another job for a children’s play cafe where I will be reading to kids, making cakes with them and so on. I don’t know if I’m going to get it or not but I’ll make sure to tell you 🙂

Anyways, so what are your plans for the summer? Are you going to be working? Travelling? Or just be watching netflix like me?

I’ll see you soon,

Astrid

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

bad traits.

Hi,everyone! Psychology has told me that I’m an unstable extrovert which basically means that I crave attention, that I’m aggressive but also excitable which changes often. And it’s so darn accurate.

You might disagree with that. On my blog, you might see me as this lovely advice-giving person with a few weird quirks which in aspects of my life is true but you don’t see the bad traits that come with the all the bootylicious package.Being on the internet, I also have to remind myself when reading your posts or watching tv that because we don’t know them or their bad traits so we can’t always give an accurate judgement. So, I want to be as me as you can get on this blog because I don’t want people meeting me and going ‘oh she isn’t that much of an angel’.

I’m very stubborn and when it comes to decisions or opinions, I like it to go my way. When it doesn’t, I don’t have a massive go at anyone or anything but it will take time for me to get used to the idea. I like things in a particular way and it’s hard for me to let people change that. I think there’s more causes to add to why I don’t like things to change but I’ll write that in another post when I learn a little more about it.

When I’m with my friends or a big social gathering, I’ll be the one who’s grooving or terribly singing and I would say I’m kinda fun to be around, I think (unless if you get me in a debate about abortion which I agree with btw). Although I like to have time with myself after a certain time because I get so tired and drained of excitement.  It can be very confusing for people around me because they think I’m annoyed with them, however, I just get really sad after loads of fun, it’s very weird.

Secretly, I’m a jealous person and I don’t say it. I get very envious of people which makes me very competitive to do better than them which is normally to do with exams. This is one of the few things which Elle and I clash about with as both of us like to do better than the other. However, funnily enough, I don’t get competitive with my blog because I feel like I don’t have to prove myself if that makes sense?

Don’t think I’m a monster though! There is a good traits about me, I’m not completely a bad person. However, there is always stuff which isn’t entirely good in people but you learn to love both. So don’t worry if you see the bad in your friends and partners, if you can see the good over the bad, then they are fine and not man eating zombies.

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

 

 

 

 

hairy girls.

Hi,everyone! UK weather is actually being very forgiving recently and given us the sun so we can finally not look like uncooked eggs (well, I still do). However, that means it’s dresses, shorts or going to the inch of nearly being naked (as I have seen, not a lovely sight to see when they are over the age of 50) this time of the year. Now, this time of the year I’m having to get over the stigma about shaving my fur coat that I’ve been growing since October and actually shave because otherwise, I’ll feel a bit too sweaty for my liking. And I’m a very hairy girl.. and if you don’t like too much information about these things then I would skip this post of mine or if you have the same problems (or you’re 12 and you’re weirdly interested in growing body hair) then jump right in.

I’ve been growing dark leg hair since I was 8 which I was extremely embarrassed of it and I would get lots of nasty comments off my classmates about it but the moment I reached Year 6 I realised the power of razors and after school, I would use my dad’s razor to shave my legs which ended up with more cuts than hair coming off.

Then when I reached big scary secondary school, it was all about my monobrow which I didn’t have pluckers for and so, I use to pluck the hairs out with my fingers which not surprisingly, would do a rubbish job and was really painful for my fingers. However, my eyebrows are still really thick but they are separated into twos which I prefer.

I’m a pretty hairy girl but I know a lot of people who get it everywhere including their boobs which is completely natural and shouldn’t be made ashamed of which society has. Like,most girls get nipple hair and it’s perfectly normal but the media have turned us into hairless girls and if I asked now boys in my class if girls get hairs on their nipples, I bet most of them would say no.

Whenever I look back, I can’t believe how I thought my body hair was the worst thing that I will ever go through and that people won’t like me if I didn’t get rid of it which is really pathetic as I know loads of people who grow out their body hair and it doesn’t make a difference to them as a person.

I wish I could tell my 12 year old self this because her body image at that point was really putting her self confidence down.

Do you think it would be a interesting idea for me not to go near shaving stuff for a few weeks to experiment what it’s like and blog about it? Let me know in the comments below 🙂

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

 

I’m back with exciting things!!

Hi,everyone! Most of my exams are finally over and so I’m finally free from learning top to bottom of Lord of Flies and the romantics of poetry (give me one theme and I’ll be able to snap back quotes like hot potato). This stress that I’ve enduring during this week has been massive but also, it made me freak about how freaked out I’m going to be during my actual GCSEs….hahahaha I’m screwed.

I’m still sorting out a few projects for my blog during the summer and one of those projects will be getting you guys involved with it too which I’m incredibly excited about 🙂

This blog itself has been discovered and talked about at school a little bit which I’ve had  few taking- the-piss comments but I’m going to still continue to write on this blog how I always have done because my 2 years and half work isn’t going to go to trash because of a few comments from people.

School isn’t going that well at the moment. People have been spreading stuff about me which isn’t their business and it feels like a huge invasion of privacy.However, these people aren’t going to stop me from writing on here and connecting with you guys on this site.

Anyways, guess what?

I went swimming in a swimsuit…yup, I finally gotten out of my little shell of self-consciousness and decided to not give a shit. The moment I got into the sea, I was pushed in by one of my friends. Reece and co. thought it would be funny to take advantage of my vulnerable state and recreate scenes from Jaws and grab me by the ankles which ended up with me having to swim away from them.  It was a very fun day 🙂

How has your week been? Or how did your exams go? Please tell me as I need a serious catch up with you guys 🙂

My secret project will be announced very soon and I can’t wait for you guys to get involved 🙂

See you tomorrow,

Astrid xxx

aka Hideaway Girl xxx