perspective

Last week was probably the saddest week of my life so far. I’m not going to state what it was on this blog because 1. This blog is read by a lot of people who I know and 2. I don’t really want to tell people and be like ‘poor old me’. Funnily enough, it has nothing to do with my mental health really however it has made it worse.

I still feel pretty numb about it but there is times where it kicks in and I want to shout or cry, it’s at the most random of times.

Life is sucky at the moment but I know after all of it is concluded and has a plan to figure it out, I’ll be fine. But now, I just want my life back to normal, however, I know it will never be the normal that I felt only a few weeks ago.

It’s weird to think that only one or two things can be slightly changed that everything, literally everything has a different perceptive on it. Like, I’m not that stressed about exams at the moment because of the situation that I’m in.

I’ll tell you some of the things that my view has been changed on:

• Relationships
• Trust
• Future

Deep right? I kinda want to just type it all out on this blog and be like ‘look at how much people fuck me up’ but it’s not fair on them.

I’m lucky to have my mum and Reece (and a few others) in my life because whenever I spend time with them, my life feels a little normal again.

It’s hard to remember how free I felt from the back of my mind 2 weeks ago and how happy, which I probably didn’t think as happy, I was then.

I’m finding it hard at school recently. I think it’s because I look at people around me, laughing and having a pretty alright life, wishing I was them. However, I know people are going/went through shitter times than me so I feel a bit guilty to complain. But I need to just type it out.

I can’t really concentrate on a lot of things like school and this blog but I know in a month or so, I’ll be coping enough to be able to concentrate fully. This shitty month or so is the only excuse I have for not blogging.

As well, I don’t know when I’m going to be fully alright again and writing daily so I’m sorry

Astrid xxx

 

 

 

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explained.

Hi, everyone! So I have to get up at 5AM to get to school to go to London for a Jack the Ripper trip thing at the National Archives. I’m not really looking forward to it because most of the people are going are annoying so it will mostly me and Lily rolling my eyes 24/7. I want to talk about my last blog post which was probably the most personal poem I’ve written and people might think I’m overreacting but people around me have recognised this as a problem.

Since I was around 11, after one of my friends died of cancer, I developed this thing where I had to do certain things to get rid of my thoughts and fears, this began as little stuff as turning the light switch 3 times before going to the loo, not stepping on cracks or clicking my fingers every few minutes; stuff like that. I could easily hide it as they were only little movements and I could make a rubbish excuse to do it. However, in my brain, I have this female voice (it might be me but it sounds more sophisticated) which would tell me if I didn’t do this certain thing something bad would happen (sometimes it would be specific or I would have a panic sense of fear which would be unexplained for expect I would have to do this certain action.)

I don’t know the cause to why this started to happen as I was a pretty happy child even though one of my friends died, I thought I was coping okay so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was me making myself be overdramatic and it would stop soon, although this is happening now to me.

Going from Primary school to Secondary school was overwhelming. Most of my friends went to another secondary school and would only see them one day a week. I found it especially hard about making new friends and having so many people there. I was from a small school with 200 pupils to a big school (with teenagers up to 18 years old and over 1000 pupils) that crowd the torrider. I didn’t really know how to make friends and I was quite a weird character (I’m still weird, but I mean I was weird weird). I knew an insight to life that many didn’t have which made me more sensitive than most which was good in some ways but others, not so because being mature than most separated me from the crowd. This might be a factor to why my pressuring thoughts got worse.

I got my first key which made my walk to school even longer as I walk up the street and back to double check the door incase a man comes in to rob the house and discovers my mother is in there having her breakfast and kills her. It’s pretty insane when I back to it because in this small town, it would never happen.

Around that time, I started getting a hallucination kinda thing where I would make myself believe I was a refugee from Syria but at the same time, I know I’m not from Syria or a refugee but my brain tells me I am… I dunno, it’s so confusing and sometimes I really really dislike myself for it because it’s so disrespectful. Luckily, I know that all of these hallucinations aren’t real but at the time these occur, they can be scary sometimes but I’ve learnt how to deal with it.

Last night, though, I began starting to wash my hands for ages because I had a fear of a deadly disease on my hands. I washed them for an hour and my hands were really red and raw from the hot water but it was more emotionally defeating than physically because it was one of the main symptoms for OCD and I have many now.

I’ve told my mum and a few of my friends about this. I will be going to the doctors in the summer holidays to sort this thing out but I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything yet so I don’t want to jump to conclusion.

I’m still in two minds about this because truthfully, I feel like a pussy and need to get a grip or that I’m overreacting. But in my other mind, I need to get help because this has been happening for ages and is gradually getting worse.

What I have can be completely unnoticed by people because the symptoms are not obvious and most of it is in the mind and the forced motions can look like normal behaviour however, it takes a huge part of my everyday life.

Thank you for all being here for me. The whole two years I’ve written on here, I’ve had so much support from all of you and I know most of you will understand. However, if you know me in real life or not, I would really appreciate if you’ve got negative thoughts about me and this thing so please keep it to yourself. Apart from that, have a lovely week and I will tell you my boring adventures to the national archives.

Astrid xxx

 

 

old people

Hi everyone! So first things first, how was your weekend? Mine was packed with clumsiness and eating loads of junk but you know, I’ll try and fail at being healthy another time. Last Friday, as a year group, we were asked to volunteer which mostly everyone complained about and even one said it was slavery (think that’s slightly over the top). The options were: picking rubbish up at a beach which would take miles of walking, working at a boring museum of a small town nearby where incest is popular in the local history or hanging out  with the elders. So I picked the care home which seemed like the best choice at the time.

I got to have a massive lie in as we had to get to the care home by ten, however we also had to pick up Reece as he can’t walk due to his leg at the moment. To be fair though, Reece could have hopped faster there as my dad wouldn’t move away from work calls until I dragged him out of the house. After picking up Reece, my father and Reece had a weird bonding moment when they found out they’ve known each other for nearly a year which made me feel like a huge third wheel (which occurs often when in the car with them).

When we got there, I realised that I didn’t really know anyone apart from Emily and Reece. Although, most people were kinda friendly apart from this group of boys who I was surprised I didn’t find them smoking weed in the disabled toilets. The teachers who were with us were two of my past teachers, one a music/pretend psychology teacher and a science teacher who didn’t remember who I was. After waiting for about 5 minutes for the ‘hard’ people who had better time to waste, we were to go into this little room which had a lot of children books and really comfy seats but I was scared to sit on them, thinking about how many old people have farted on it. The small meeting which was led by this red haired middle aged career was really quiet as we were pretty nervous about hanging with other human beings. I think the only time I heard someone talk was Reece reacting to being bullied by the science teacher about his leg and me (and Emily) rolling our eyes.

Our first thing to do on the timetable was to garden their memorial area for residents that have died. It was actually pretty fun flinging the water hose around and putting pretty red flowers in the soil which I have never really done before. However, everyone and even the elders were kinda bored which was shown by how everyone was staring at me watering the fountain like it was Saturday tv entertainment.

For lunch, we were to eat with the elders. However, my group only did it and we were stuck with this old lady who kept choking and sleeping (which at the time, thought had deceased). On the menu, was noddles or fish and chips so I went for chips as the fish looked not cooked well and the noodles didn’t look like noodles.During eating, Reece decided to say ‘This conversation is a little dead’ after the woman closed her eyes and ignored us. Thankfully, she seemed like she didn’t hear or I would have been so so embarrassed.

However, I began to realise why a care home can be depressing for people. This is the last place you are ever going to be and maybe even die here. You’re getting the last of your life where you may never see your grandkids again or your friends. You’re surrounded with people who are going through the same as you and they all know it. People, like me, coming here to volunteer and pretending like we know what it is like and then skip to the stereotype of old people being grumpy when in fact, they are stuck here in this lonely place. They were young once, they fell in love and a lot have lost the ones who meant the most to them. So, on that trip, I learnt a lot. However, I’ll never fully know until I’m in that position of being close to death and having so much life experience.

So next time you see your relatives in a care home, remember that they are probably going through a hard time and to make the most of the time what you have with them which I wished I did with my great grandma when she was alive rather than being scared of her because she was old and needed help.

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

A cycle of surprise, happiness and sadness

Hi,everyone! How exciting is it that I’m going to be having 6 weeks off from school in less than 16 days?! I’M JUMPING UP IN THE AIR FOR IT! I’ve finally finished all of my exams today; my english speaking exam and business. Did you guys have to do an english speaking test for GCSE? We had to do a presentation on a topic which interests us so I did a presentation on Grenfell Tower:how there is a line between the privileged and the unprivileged. I was shitting bricks in 1st period when I realised that we had to present today but my very supportive classmates made me go and do it first. I shuttered a few times and said ‘flammable’ wrong. Although, I didn’t get any sniggers about my mispronunciation which was very surprising. My tip for these speaking exams is to just try to go first before everyone else because 1. people will respect you more as you’ve had the courage to do it and 2. you won’t have to worry about it and can forget about it afterwards and 3. the moment you start speaking, you become a lot less anxious.

As you probably saw in a blog post or two, I was convinced that I did crap on my maths tests. However, I got top of the class for both maths papers which I think my classmates and my teacher found surprising. AND I GOT 100% ON MY PSYCHOLOGY!! So all those hours I could have been doing blogging, I was working my arse off over Freud and it was actually worth it because I was literally crying inside (of extreme happiness) over my results.

Apart from all this good news, I got fired from my job….*clap, clap, clap*. And why? Because my parents made me take time off to go to the canal boat (which I’ve complained about in many posts). So it made me lose my job but to be honest, she wasn’t a very nice boss and she triggered most of my panic attacks this year so far so I think it was best I left  got fired.

So after one day of crying and storming around the house about the loss, I decided to look at volunteering experiences for my age. I found an opportunity to work with disabled kids and give them horse riding lessons. However, I don’t know how to horse ride well so I would be doing the teas and coffees or fundraising for it. I haven’t applied for the local group yet as I have to phone them and I keep forgetting to.

On Friday, our school is having a day where we work with the community where I’m going to a care home to do gardening with the elders which I’m really excited about, I might try and see if they will have further volunteering experiences during the summer?

My dad has given me a job within his office where he works as a film director/editor thingy and I had a 4 hour shift last weekend which earned me £20 which was better than the other cafe.

AND I GOT AN INTERVIEW ON MONDAY FOR A PLAY CAFE. Yes!! I applied for another job for a children’s play cafe where I will be reading to kids, making cakes with them and so on. I don’t know if I’m going to get it or not but I’ll make sure to tell you 🙂

Anyways, so what are your plans for the summer? Are you going to be working? Travelling? Or just be watching netflix like me?

I’ll see you soon,

Astrid

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

bad traits.

Hi,everyone! Psychology has told me that I’m an unstable extrovert which basically means that I crave attention, that I’m aggressive but also excitable which changes often. And it’s so darn accurate.

You might disagree with that. On my blog, you might see me as this lovely advice-giving person with a few weird quirks which in aspects of my life is true but you don’t see the bad traits that come with the all the bootylicious package.Being on the internet, I also have to remind myself when reading your posts or watching tv that because we don’t know them or their bad traits so we can’t always give an accurate judgement. So, I want to be as me as you can get on this blog because I don’t want people meeting me and going ‘oh she isn’t that much of an angel’.

I’m very stubborn and when it comes to decisions or opinions, I like it to go my way. When it doesn’t, I don’t have a massive go at anyone or anything but it will take time for me to get used to the idea. I like things in a particular way and it’s hard for me to let people change that. I think there’s more causes to add to why I don’t like things to change but I’ll write that in another post when I learn a little more about it.

When I’m with my friends or a big social gathering, I’ll be the one who’s grooving or terribly singing and I would say I’m kinda fun to be around, I think (unless if you get me in a debate about abortion which I agree with btw). Although I like to have time with myself after a certain time because I get so tired and drained of excitement.  It can be very confusing for people around me because they think I’m annoyed with them, however, I just get really sad after loads of fun, it’s very weird.

Secretly, I’m a jealous person and I don’t say it. I get very envious of people which makes me very competitive to do better than them which is normally to do with exams. This is one of the few things which Elle and I clash about with as both of us like to do better than the other. However, funnily enough, I don’t get competitive with my blog because I feel like I don’t have to prove myself if that makes sense?

Don’t think I’m a monster though! There is a good traits about me, I’m not completely a bad person. However, there is always stuff which isn’t entirely good in people but you learn to love both. So don’t worry if you see the bad in your friends and partners, if you can see the good over the bad, then they are fine and not man eating zombies.

Astrid xxx

aka. Hideaway Girl xxx

 

 

 

 

Was it tipsy or being just damn happy?

Hi everyone! I wasn’t sure if to post this blog post yesterday but I asked my blogging friends and they said it’s my blog so it’s my decision. And this blog post, will include a disclaimer which I don’t think I’ve ever done *shock*

Disclaimer: this blog post isn’t encouraging alcohol or anything like that. This is just what happened at my friends house the other day.

As I’m getting older, this blog is going to become more mature and have topics which most young children wouldn’t experience but as most of my readers at the moment are my age or older, I thought it would be okay to write about this kind of stuff now.

So if you saw my last blog post, you could see that I was really nervous about going camping with my friends. I would recommend reading that blog post before reading the rest as then you’ll have the full story.

Anyways, I did go in the hot tub. *Congrats Astrid, you actually decided to strip and not give a shit what the others thought* But I had a shirt on because I was wearing a very boobie out swim suit (as I got it about 2 years ago but never bothered to buy a new one as I never go swimming).  The hot tub was okay but I kept getting kicked in the vagina by thousands of feet as it was pretty small and only 4 people were meant to be in there so I didn’t stay in there for that long.

We ordered chinese and one of my friends brought alcohol which was only enough for about 3 people. I paid for one and my other friend drank a ‘shit mix’ (I think you can get what that means). Anyways, that was like 80% pure alcohol but mine was like 5% and I drank 2 bottles. So it  wasn’t that bad but I’m a light weight and it was my second time that I probably drank alcohol without an adult keeping an eye on me. However, Reece and my friend, Lily decided to be my parents and tried to get me to go to sleep at 9 30ish but I was having none of it so David and Reece had to keep rugby tackling me to get me to bed. I don’t really remember all of this though like the party I went to in October.

My mother decided to call me which I was apparently very happy about. And my friends were screaming about how much they loved her across the tent so she guessed that there was drinks so when I came home, the following morning, she checked my awful stinky breath straight away. She was surprising okayish about it with a slight look of disappointment but I think it more amusing than anything.

Reece said that I was not at all body conscious after drinks and thinking back at it now, makes me want to die in a hole and cringe. However, I had an amazing night… kinda.

The weather was crap, it was thundering and raining so we couldn’t go to the hot tub until 3 but I was too tired to go then so I stayed inside. It was super hot, like as hot as Malaga so I was trying to get myself to cool down the whole night.

Then after the others came back, the hot tub started beeping and nobody knew how to stop it . So it went on like that the whole night.

I went to sleep at 4 then woke up at 6 to cockerels and birds chirping and other animals making noises as Vipers house is literally next to a house which sounds there is  like a farm in their back garden.

Anyways, what was the moral of this story? Nothing really but I’m so proud of myself for coming out of the self conscious wall even though it involved alcohol to get out.

I’m going to Bath tomorrow which I’m so excited about, what are your plans?

Astrid,

aka Hideaway Girl xxx

 

 

 

Make myself feel good day.

Hi,everyone! So today, it’s Reece’s and my anniversary of a year of our relationship, how gross.

So later on today, I’m going over to Vipers house with a bunch of friends (girls and boys) to have a sleepover in a tent in the middle of the garden. I’m kinda excited about it but I’m also very anxious about it. At Vipers house, there is a hot tub and all of my friends are going in there but I’m awkward and very self conscious about my body especially around my girlfriends (because they all have amazing bodies and look hot in their swim stuff). However, there’s me with my too small swimsuit so I’ve decided to skip the hot tub and sit on the side playing mastermind with Reece.

I feel very shit about myself today and everything-slightly-against-society’s-expectations is popping out at me. I need to make myself feel good about myself so I’m probably going to skip revision and try and sort my mental state out.

I HAVE SO MUCH REVISION TO DO, HAHAHAHA I WANT TO CRY.

I’m sorry that my posts have been really short recently and not full of funnyish content because I’m going through one of those phrases.

I’ll try to catch up with you guys tomorrow,

Hideaway Girl xxx

 

not shocked.

Yesterday, I was both shocked by the events of Manchester. No sorry, not shock but disappointment, sadness and well, to be honest, I wasn’t surprised there was another terrorist attack. However, I was shocked that it was in that place and with a generation of young people and loved ones who were all part of this community.

Maybe people will use this attack to campaign prejudice and discrimination towards many people: muslims, immigrants and refugees. However, I’ve heard this man was born in Britain but it doesn’t matter where he was born. It doesn’t matter who he was, who we remember is the victims of yesterday, the past, today and the future. This happens everyday and we aren’t all notified of it because it’s in another place in the world or victims of different ethnics, beliefs and religions. However, influential people are notified and they don’t really do anything about it.

Did you know that more than 200 people, mostly women and children, were killed by an airstrike in Mosul by the US just last month? Don’t forget, there’s probably been many more since then and before. Innocent killings are happening all around the world.

However, we are a new generation. We could change this if we tried. Of course, terrorism of different kinds will always exist but we can make this world a little better.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear A, I’ve realised something

Dear A, 

I normally do this around the anniversary but it’s in June and I want to write this out now because I’ve thinking about you a lot recently. It’s been nearly 4 years which is a long time in this fast world of growing up however, it feels like only a year ago. I’ve been doubting our friendship that we had. Am I just making up this friendship? But I have to knock myself back and tell myself we were friends. You grew up with my brother and we three used to go out together. Of course, we weren’t best friends but as I’m older than you, I feel like I have a duty to my brother as well to write this on his behalf as well as he was young and he’s growing up a lot and I’m scared he’s not going to remember how close you guys were.

I’ve moved on and it would be selfish if I haven’t by now because you wouldn’t want that. I’ve only had a few moments this year where I have had to sit down and talk about you because I’ve wanted to and also, it’s good to talk about you.

I think every year since you’ve died, you’ve become even more inspirational for me. As a self conscious teenager, who’s natively worrying about her dyed hair, I realised that you must have felt so so so much worse about not having hair. However, you still went outside when you physically could and you smiled like nothing was the matter.

The craziest thing at the moment for me is that you were able to smile even though you knew something was very wrong. I can’t help to cry now at how I’ve just realised how amazing you were.

You smiling seems like a miracle to me. If I was in your condition now, I would maybe been a person who would sunk into huge depression and lock myself away. However, I don’t know that and never will hopefully. You know another side of life than me and it’s incredible that you were seemed happy.

There was of course times when you were upset and I remember one incident which I didn’t really notice as upsetting then but now, I find it devastating.

I just wish I knew when you were alive how strong and influential you would have on my everyday views now. There’s so many things I wish I did differently and I’m really sorry.

I was only 11, I didn’t really know what was happening.

My brother is starting to say snippets about you at random times and it’s such a relief. You were his favourite girl, you were and are special to him.

Astrid xxx

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For readers, 

For over two years on this blog, I have written letters each year to a friend who passed away from cancer. I don’t go into deep detail about it as for privacy but I post it once a year because I know people will have been through the similar situation as I have been and also because I feel like I’m sending it out to A even though, in my beliefs, it will never reach her.

On this blog post, I won’t be replying to comments as often as I normally do but I will read all.

You can also email me at hideawaygirlblog@gmail.com if you need to talk and I will reply to them as soon as possible,

Thank you for all your support and love,

Astrid xxx

(btw: that’s my real name)

Previous letters to A 

1. Dear A
2. Dear A, it’s been three years. 

 

Dear Ballet Boy

Dear Ballet Boy,

You’re probably not going to see this but maybe, a very tiny possibility, you would bother to look at how my life is doing and so search this blog but that’s unlikely. You’ve moved on. You don’t really care about me anymore.

So where do I start? Let me start at the beginning.

In year 7, when I didn’t have any friends, you and Lily were the only companions I had. We were all slightly teased for different things. For you, you were taken the mickey out for your long hair and your love to dance. Yeah, you looked and sounded like a girl but you were my first friend that was a boy. You were a new and interesting thing for me to learn about. I think you thought of me as a project at the start as well.

You were the one to make me start looking after my appearance which got me friends and I needed that. You were the one for me to hug and talk to when I was panicked and upset. You were the one where I could be the weirdest around too.

In therapy, you were one of the four good things in my life that were listed. You were the one I talked about the most in the sessions. I don’t think you know how much you mean to me.

You could be a right truthful bitch sometimes. You could make me self conscious but that was really the only bad thing but in all the time I knew you, we never fell out. I don’t think I’ve ever had that with a person.

Whenever I think of summer, I think of you. We spent summers together where you danced in the green fields and I joined in but I wasn’t as half as good as you. There’s a video of us laughing and throwing strawberries together. It’s probably one of the happiest times I’ve ever been in.

I didn’t really know how good you were at dancing until you moved to a city to a famous dance school where you met talented people and quickly, forgot about me.

My birthday was one of the last events where we were all together as a group of friends. It’s where I had my first unromantic dry kiss with you and it was very forced by truth or dare and you dragging me down a muddy hill. I still hate you for that.  I know you will be gay when you’re older and I don’t think you’ve accepted that yet so my first kiss had no attached feelings to it. Just amusment.

You made me happy for a long time. You were my best friend. And god, I miss you.

Elle and I miss you. I get annoyed when people talk about you as they were your best friends and I don’t like to dwell on how much I miss you because we were both like that towards each other. However, this is a letter to get all things straight about our lost friendship.

I think the last time I saw you was in August and you’re only ten minutes away from me visiting family but in spare time, you rather be on your own than meet up with me.

So I need to move on. Maybe we will meet again but I think it’s come to an end.

Thank you for being a good best friend for 3 years and I miss you but I’m moving on.

Yours faithfully,

Hideaway Girl xxx