Hi, everyone! So I have to get up at 5AM to get to school to go to London for a Jack the Ripper trip thing at the National Archives. I’m not really looking forward to it because most of the people are going are annoying so it will mostly me and Lily rolling my eyes 24/7. I want to talk about my last blog post which was probably the most personal poem I’ve written and people might think I’m overreacting but people around me have recognised this as a problem.

Since I was around 11, after one of my friends died of cancer, I developed this thing where I had to do certain things to get rid of my thoughts and fears, this began as little stuff as turning the light switch 3 times before going to the loo, not stepping on cracks or clicking my fingers every few minutes; stuff like that. I could easily hide it as they were only little movements and I could make a rubbish excuse to do it. However, in my brain, I have this female voice (it might be me but it sounds more sophisticated) which would tell me if I didn’t do this certain thing something bad would happen (sometimes it would be specific or I would have a panic sense of fear which would be unexplained for expect I would have to do this certain action.)

I don’t know the cause to why this started to happen as I was a pretty happy child even though one of my friends died, I thought I was coping okay so I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it was me making myself be overdramatic and it would stop soon, although this is happening now to me.

Going from Primary school to Secondary school was overwhelming.Ā Most of my friends went to another secondary school and would only see them one day a week. I found it especially hard about making new friends and having so many people there. I was from a small school with 200 pupils to a big school (with teenagers up to 18 years old and over 1000 pupils) that crowd the torrider. I didn’t really know how to make friends and I was quite a weird character (I’m still weird, but I mean I was weird weird). I knew an insight to life that many didn’t have which made me more sensitive than most which was good in some ways but others, not so because being mature than most separated me from the crowd. This might be a factor to why my pressuring thoughts got worse.

I got my first key which made my walk to school even longer as I walk up the street and back to double check the door incase a man comes in to rob the house and discovers my mother is in there having her breakfast and kills her. It’s pretty insane when I back to it because in this small town, it would never happen.

Around that time, I started getting a hallucination kinda thing where I would make myself believe I was a refugee from Syria but at the same time, I know I’m not from Syria or a refugee but my brain tells me I am… I dunno, it’s so confusing and sometimes I really really dislike myself for it because it’s so disrespectful. Luckily, I know that all of these hallucinations aren’t real but at the time these occur, they can be scary sometimes but I’ve learnt how to deal with it.

Last night, though, I began starting to wash my hands for ages because I had a fear of a deadly disease on my hands. I washed them for an hour and my hands were really red and raw from the hot water but it was more emotionally defeating than physically because it was one of the main symptoms for OCD and I have many now.

I’ve told my mum and a few of my friends about this. I will be going to the doctors in the summer holidays to sort this thing out but I haven’t been diagnosed with OCD or anything yet so I don’t want to jump to conclusion.

I’m still in two minds about this because truthfully, I feel like a pussy and need to get a grip or that I’m overreacting. But in my other mind, I need to get help because this has been happening for ages and is gradually getting worse.

What I have can be completely unnoticed by people because the symptoms are not obvious and most of it is in the mind and the forced motions can look like normal behaviour however, it takes a huge part of my everyday life.

Thank you for all being here for me. The whole two years I’ve written on here, I’ve had so much support from all of you and I know most of you will understand. However, if you know me in real life or not, I would really appreciate if you’ve got negative thoughts about me and this thing so please keep it to yourself. Apart from that, have a lovely week and I will tell you my boring adventures to the national archives.

Astrid xxx



15 thoughts on “explained.

  1. I think its reallt good that you opened up to your mum about it and got help. Because I have some sort of mental illnedd but I don’t really know what it is, but it seems an awful lot like OCD. And I think my parents know something is up but I just don’t know how to tell them, even though I’ve been thinking about it for years. Its really hard to explain but its like I have a set if rules for routine in my head of things I have to do and I have to do each thing everday. But I also have this obsession with time. I have to constantly be doing something that I label “productive” and if I don’t for five minutes I’ll stay up an extra five minutes exactly to like pay that time off. Its really complicated in my head though because I have some things that are like worth “half-time” or something where they aren’t worth my full attention (e.g. tv) so I do another thing that is only worth my “half time” at the same time. It seems really jumbled but somehow it is all organised in my head. But it becomes a sort of stuggle as I need control over everything and when I start “losing” time by not doing anything (e.g just sitting in class) I’ll count up the minutes throughout the day and find a way to “pay then off” when I get home. I have other little obsessions too like how I only eat 320 bites of food a day (im not anorexic though, its sustainable and I never go hungry) or how if I somehow miss I shower because I was at a sleepever I’ll make sure I have two the next day to make up for it. I’ve been doing stuff like this since I was eight. And what I’ve learnt is that its all about control. I feel like I need that absolute control over my life or it’ll feel like my world is falling apart. So I keep doing these “compulsions” because live feels easier with them

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I think OCD is really hard to put a definition on because everyones is different because my OCD is more with paranoia and thoughts rather than doing the activity itself, however, I can understand how stressful it myst be for you X always here to talk xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally relate to the both of you! Sometimes my perfectionism is quite scary. I used to bite my nails, and I needed them to be a “perfect shape”, so I used to bite them until they bled. It was really scary, and I would hate myself. It’s great to know that I’m not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hope the doctors appointment goes well for you. I know I cant completely understand what you are going through because I haven’t been throught it but i will still support you.
    lots of love xx

    Liked by 1 person

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