Dear A, I’ve realised something

Dear A, 

I normally do this around the anniversary but it’s in June and I want to write this out now because I’ve thinking about you a lot recently. It’s been nearly 4 years which is a long time in this fast world of growing up however, it feels like only a year ago. I’ve been doubting our friendship that we had. Am I just making up this friendship? But I have to knock myself back and tell myself we were friends. You grew up with my brother and we three used to go out together. Of course, we weren’t best friends but as I’m older than you, I feel like I have a duty to my brother as well to write this on his behalf as well as he was young and he’s growing up a lot and I’m scared he’s not going to remember how close you guys were.

I’ve moved on and it would be selfish if I haven’t by now because you wouldn’t want that. I’ve only had a few moments this year where I have had to sit down and talk about you because I’ve wanted to and also, it’s good to talk about you.

I think every year since you’ve died, you’ve become even more inspirational for me. As a self conscious teenager, who’s natively worrying about her dyed hair, I realised that you must have felt so so so much worse about not having hair. However, you still went outside when you physically could and you smiled like nothing was the matter.

The craziest thing at the moment for me is that you were able to smile even though you knew something was very wrong. I can’t help to cry now at how I’ve just realised how amazing you were.

You smiling seems like a miracle to me. If I was in your condition now, I would maybe been a person who would sunk into huge depression and lock myself away. However, I don’t know that and never will hopefully. You know another side of life than me and it’s incredible that you were seemed happy.

There was of course times when you were upset and I remember one incident which I didn’t really notice as upsetting then but now, I find it devastating.

I just wish I knew when you were alive how strong and influential you would have on my everyday views now. There’s so many things I wish I did differently and I’m really sorry.

I was only 11, I didn’t really know what was happening.

My brother is starting to say snippets about you at random times and it’s such a relief. You were his favourite girl, you were and are special to him.

Astrid xxx


For readers, 

For over two years on this blog, I have written letters each year to a friend who passed away from cancer. I don’t go into deep detail about it as for privacy but I post it once a year because I know people will have been through the similar situation as I have been and also because I feel like I’m sending it out to A even though, in my beliefs, it will never reach her.

On this blog post, I won’t be replying to comments as often as I normally do but I will read all.

You can also email me at if you need to talk and I will reply to them as soon as possible,

Thank you for all your support and love,

Astrid xxx

(btw: that’s my real name)

Previous letters to A 

  1. Dear A
  2. Dear A, it’s been three years. 


7 thoughts on “Dear A, I’ve realised something

  1. This is so sad, I am truly sorry for your loss. It’s hard enough when someone dies naturally, but when there’s a cause it just makes you feel even sadder. I would say something to cheer you up, but nothing can fix this.

    Liked by 2 people

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